Shawty Lo’s Baby Mamas ain’t the problem…You are!

all-my-babies-mamasI’d been debating with myself for weeks whether or not to write this post. But then in the middle of the night the entire post  came to me fully written out…it was concise. It had the most perfect transitions and its prose rang with clarity. Of course this was all in my head sans pen and paper or laptop. So here I am trying to serve up something remotely as good to express my two cents on this Shawty Lo fiasco…and all the damnation that is Reality TV.

Early last year, along with Bessie Akuba of the She is Me Program, I co-founded #girlsmediachat. It was to be a Twitter chat to dissect and dialogue about the media images portraying and shaping girls’ identity. A few weeks in and it was the same…passionate, ambitious, creative and conscious sisters would tweet to death all that is wrong with media. Invariably reality TV was our angst. For obvious reasons. But if you need illustration, please reference any episode of Basketball WivesReal Housewives of AtlantaLove and Hip Hop or any variation of the aforementioned. There’s this trending word that the kids label it… Ratchet. Yes it is quite appropriate.

Well. I grew a bit weary of pointing out the ratchet on television. I’m so beyond it. It is taxing on my nerves, and makes me want to act out in ways that are so not befitting a passionate, ambitious, creative and conscious sister. Hmph…so I simply refused to watch the witchcraft. Thus what I am tagging the latest travesty to hit the airwaves titled Baby Mamas, and all ratchet forms of reality TV…it is witchcraft.

And seeing that I cannot realistically reach through my television, put a hex on their spells of ignorant pageantry nor shake some sense into any of these characters, I will do what my life assignment calls for. That is to lift up the ones I can touch, show them affirmative ways to communicate with other girls; be an example of how to honor their bodies and beings; and present tools that help them navigate the weird world of relationships sans mental manipulation, patriarchal oppression, misogyny, or physical abuse. Because my investment and energy moves beyond getting a show pulled. The bigger picture is to interrupt the behavioral patterns little girls are exhibiting today that lead them to become implicit in the witchcraft….go from girls to women behaving badly. We must touch the ones within our reach daily: that means the young sisters riding beside us on the buses/trains, baby girl who lives next door, your daughter’s playmates…and some of us need to check the little girl still inside of us. Ahem. Yes. I went there. Truth is what is on “reality TV” is played out live in living color in many homes with young girls as audience to adult women acting stupidly and making foolish, misguided decisions. I promise you I attended an event just last weekend with women who are college educated, many members of sororities with successful careers and who are MOTHERS refer to each other (out loud) using the B word as a term of endearment. For real. Who does that? Still in the midst of this was baby mama drama to boot. For real.It was all quite fascinating in a Discovery-Channel watching sort of way. But, sadly it was not a television show. It was indeed real with no cameras.

So again, I’m less frustrated with the tube these days. I want us to fix the everyday sister who believes its okay to address another girl/woman in any derogatory fashion. It is reckless dishonor to share a boy/man and engage in unprotected sex…no SEX PERIOD, knowing he shares his goodies with another. It is outright flagrant indecency to put your hands on another to express your anger or insecurities. Geez. The list of ratchet behavior is much too long…and quite frankly unproductive.
If the objective is to transform lives of our girls, this must be our priority. If not, we have only our real life selves to blame for what they see/hear in media.

Change the Game:

Sign the petitions like this one to get shows pulled from the air
Support organizations like Girls Like Me Project, Inc. book the workshops for your school/org.
Join the #notbuyingit movement to let advertisers really know how you feel about their endorsement of such foolishness

And on the last note, I have heard many people excuse the “entertainment industry” and “celebrities” of all accountability for being role models or accurately portraying the complex telling of the Black American experience, especially as it relates to our women and girls. Well. That is arguable, for some. What I do know for fact is that the “entertainment industry” is  yet a politically correct misnomer given to what we know is an exploitation monster. Given that, we should only expect the entertainment industry to exploit our lowest lows for profit. It is simply time we raise the bar.

How do you think we should raise the bar for our girls?

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It takes an Extraordinary Father to raise up an Extraordinary Mother

There have been many a song written about our mother’s. Our sweet mothers. Called by many names; Mommy, Mama, Ma, Sweet Sadie, the terms of endearment are e dless. Our love for our mothers is so deep; so intrinsic to our very being that this world feels wrong side out when we lose our mothers, after all Mama is the queen of our heart, her love feels like tears from the stars. Mama’s love is food to our soul. We honor them with our words and deeds, especially giving them the first credit for our success and accomplishments.
Every published author has dedicated a book to her. Watch any awards show and you could make a 50 minute mashable of all the mother shout outs.
Mothers are placed on pedestals, sprinkled with love and covered with loyalty. The caring and nurturing spirit feeds us. We seek her sage advice, always looking up for her approval, striving to make her proud. And so on Mother’s Day, as we do on her birthday and just about any day and find ourselves feeling carefree with some extra pennies in our wallet, we aim to please with tokens of our love. That’s our mama’s. And we’d do anything for her.But what about other people’s Mama…like your daughters’? Are you honoring her? It amazes me how many men turn over the earth for their own mothers, but on Mother’s Day begrudge the other mothers in their lives. They love, honor and respect their own, but then give the critical, judgmental side eye to the mother of their children.

Little girls today grow up to be the mothers of tomorrow. The kind of mother they will be highly depends on their fathers today. Having a strong father is a guiding force in supporting our girls natural maternal instincts. And when I say strong fathers, I don’t mean the man who just happens to live in her home. It takes much more.

A strong father brings his A-game to the fatherhood court. He is a team player and practices fundamentals so he can get better. He honors the game and demonstrates good sportsmanship. He recognizes that by giving it his all, he will become MVP in his daughter’s life. And he’ll know he has the championship ring when his game provides his Babygirl with:

  • Confidence to show up and reach for dreams
  • Discernment to recognize good men and make affirming choices
  • Healthy self esteem to be okay with herself
  • Respect for herself and others
  • Love to recognize and honor its power


Did you know that teenage pregnancy, promiscuity, domestic violence are just a few of the areas fathers can guide their daughters away from? Check out more stats and ways you can influence positive outcomes for our mothers of tomorrow.

You are not winning if you see yourself in any of the following scenarios:

M.I.A Daddy
Some of the young ladies I work with express such yearning for their fathers. A few see their fathers sporadically throughout their lives, many others can’t remember the last time they have seen or spoken to the man who contributed to their existence. It is heartbreaking to witness, crushing to live it. It is crazy how this manifests itself in motherhood. That mother who over compensates for her children’s missing dad, she probably had an M.I.A daddy. The mother who makes excuses and believes any daddy is better than no daddy for her children… Yep, she was most likely the daughter of an MI.I.A daddy.

Present Dad
On the flip side of the M.I.A daddy, we all are familiar with the daddy who pays all the bills but spends little time. He’s the dad that spends more time at work than in his home. Our daughters need fathers who are present and intentionally engaged. Otherwise she grows up to be the mama who expects nothing from a man (the father of her children) but a check. She won’t expect, nor welcome, input on how she raises her children, not even from their father.

Daddy’s Little Girl
There is nothing in the world a Daddy’s girl fears that she does not believe her father cannot fix, no dragon (bullies/abusive boyfriend/mean boss/slum landlord) he will not slay to protect her. When little girls grow up knowing they are loved and protected, it gives them permission to go out into the world standing tall with confidence and security.

Spoiled Rotten
Daddy’s little girls take special pride in how much their fathers love them. They get giddy knowing with the right pout of the mouth and tug of the arm will make her daddy do anything to please her. His love and affection for his princess is expressed with material gifts. A strong father recognizes balance is a must or else he is raising the girl who he calls a “gold digger” who also learns to use motherhood as a ploy to get more tokens of affection. She’s the mother many are today begrudging Mother’s Day, that selfish mother who takes child support and purchases designer bags.

Spare the Rod
In our society, fathers have gotten the reputation as disciplinarians. Justified or not, strong fathered understand the difference between discipline and abuse. Strong fathers know often times, the best discipline comes from example and a good conversation. Still if you are the dad who takes the belt off his pants, the situation had better be assessed and resolved with love leading. Your daughters future could hold an abusive man whom she allows to harm her and her children.

Do Right Man
There are little girls who stay on the lookout for their Daddy. But Daddy is slow to show up. When he come around he’s got the I can’t get you those new shoes/glasses blues and a package full f excuses. Seems like he disappears into the room with mama and spends 15 minutes being daddy. This little girl will more than likely grow up to be that bag lady type of mama, bitter and distrustful. She will tell her children not to depend nor trust any man…you know what I’m talking about. Do right by being a dependable and respectable father who gives his best self to his daughter.

Rolling Stone
This one needs no explaining, after all The Temptations made it plain. We all know that father that has children in everywhere part of the city or spread all over our country town. I swear I have heard from young girls who say they met a new friend at camp on in their new school who turned out to be there sibling. For real. There’s a lot to say about this, but that’s another post for another day. Today just know this type of father maps the path for his daughter to be a “Baby Mama.”

Honor thy mother(s)
This is last but belongs at the top. Of course little girls want to see their Nana’s and Grannies honored and respected, but they too are watching how their fathers treat their mothers. This dynamic informs them how they should expect the father of their children to treat and interact with them. If nothing else is key, it is in the example. No child wants to hear you berate her mother, your little girl does not deserve to be a pawn in grown folks’ business. This is a team sport and you and her mother are the franchise owners, coach and teammates. Sometimes you will also need to be the bigger person and referee, yet with love.

How are you  loving your daughter right today so you can honor her on Mother’s Day in the future?

Ladies, how do you think your father shaped your motherhood?